True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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