o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Girls should come with a carfax report
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
