one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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