yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
