Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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