I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
