I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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