I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
