my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I could make wine with my vomit
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
