I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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