It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
