a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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