dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
