I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
