he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
