Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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