K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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