I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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