girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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