Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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