the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
