I want to make a zoo with you.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
