where am i from again
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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