The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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