I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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