She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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