I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
