How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
