I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
