But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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