You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
