Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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