it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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