You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
