I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
