I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
