i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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