I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
