I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
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