I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
