i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
