I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
