I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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