I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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