your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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