I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
