We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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