The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
