She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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