i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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